I love that social media is an outlet to share so many wonderful things with the world. But too often I feel like all we ever see is the good. We can get tricked into believing we are the only one struggling. Which is why I felt compelled to share what is really going on in my life. Not just the cute photos taken at the right moment, but the real, not so pretty truth, in hopes that if anyone else is feeling as low as me, they can at least know they are not alone. Because what I am about to share is a pain all too common to so many women, but so rarely talked about.
My husband and I both love children and dream of having four. I will be the first to say, that I took my first pregnancy and baby for granted. We decided to have a baby and “poof,” I was pregnant. Jackson was easy to conceive, carry and deliver. I thought, “this is a piece of cake.” So when we decided to have number two, I thought my only hard decision would be what color to paint the nursery.
We were blessed and conceived right away. Justin and I were both on top of the world. Life could not be better. One month into the pregnancy, my doorbell rang. There was my dad, tears in his eyes. He came to tell us that he had been diagnosed with stage two cancer and would have surgery followed by Chemo-therapy. This could not be true, my father was invincible and my mother had just had a mastectomy last fall. What was happening? I could not even breathe. My dad is my hero. How could God let this happen to him? How could God let this happen to me? We had just moved back home. I wanted my dad to be around forever. I wanted to tell him about the baby to cheer him up a little, but I held my tongue.
We concentrated on him and his journey. There would be four months of grueling chemo ahead. It was time to pray and stay focused on dad.
About two weeks later, I woke up early, around 4:30 AM. I knew something was wrong. I did not feel right. I had serious cramps and just knew I needed to get to the doctor. My heart sank and I prayed that God would save my baby. Justin and I ran up to the closest ER. The doctor confirmed our worst fear, the pregnancy was ending and there would be no baby. He said it was not my fault and sometimes these things just happen. “These things just happen?” WHAT? Really? Do these things just happen? How is that possible? I had already imagined a little girl, a rosy face, little hands, and a life. This did not just happen. I was so full of grief. My husband, Justin was comforting, but even he was talking about next time. I was not ready to talk about next time. I needed to talk about right now, this baby. This baby that was not going to be here on earth with me. I needed time. My mom was kind and we talked about it. She shared her story of a miscarriage, that I did not even know about. We talked about what might have been and spent time praying together. Since we had not told too many people, there were only a few to contact. Everyone said the same thing, it happens, you be pregnant again soon. I bit my lip and tried to move on. There was still a deep sadness inside me.
Not even a month later I found out I was pregnant again. This time my excitement was uncontrollable. I just knew this baby was the turning point. A joyful new life that would bring light to a dark time.
On September 11th I went in for my 10 week ultrasound. My Dad was getting chemo on the first floor of the hospital and my ultrasound was on the 6th. The plan was to take my ultrasound pictures down to my Dad after my appointment to cheer him up, but unfortunately I never got that chance.
The minute the nurse started my ultrasound I knew something was wrong. There was the baby, and clearly there was no heartbeat. My doctor said the baby had stopped developing about 3 weeks before. So right there they scheduled me for a D&C that Friday, September 15th, my 29th birthday. I literally couldn't breathe. It couldn't believe it had happened again.
I immediately let my mind go to that dark place. Will I ever have more children? Why are you doing this to me God? Why would you take this baby that was already so loved and so wanted?
Justin was my rock, and being a man of much greater faith than me he reminded me that life is a matter of perspective. The trials, challenges and obstacles placed before us are not happening to us but for us. We need to use these times as an opportunity to grow into the person God intended us to be. Gods plan is not always apparent to us but I do believe that he only works for our good. Although this pain is deep and will not go away anytime soon, I do know God will give us beauty for ashes if we can trust in him.
On the day of my procedure I was at the lowest I have ever been. When I got home from the hospital I was laying in my bed feeling hopeless. Then in walks my Dad with the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen. He came to check on me after 5 straight days of 8 hour long chemo treatment. Instead of thinking of himself, and all the awful side effects he was dealing with, he came straight to me. That's when my blessings hit me in the face. I have an incredible family, and friends who love me so much they dropped everything to take care of me these last few weeks. I will never be able to thank them, because they literally healed my soul. I know that without these trials, I may never have known how loved I truly am. For that gift I am grateful. My husband is the most perfectly imperfect man, and I know God choose him for me, but I don't deserve him. My Mom is a saint God has shared with the world. Through all of this she had to tirelessly take care of me and my Dad while I know she was hurting as well. But as usual, she never complained, and always put us first. She helped me realize how blessed I am. She's the perfect mother, if I ever become half the woman she is I would be so proud. And I have one beautiful, healthy, happy child who is the greatest gift I could ever have. Life had sure kicked my ass there for awhile, but love wins the war.
So I have decided that chapter of bad is over. My procedure happened to fall on my Dads last day of chemo and I feel like it was God saying, "it is done." He is faithful, and good, and I know He will keep his promises, so I am full of hope and joy in the Lord for what is to come. I'm telling my heart to beat again, although, there is still pain.
I know this post is sad and I apologize if it brought you down. I did not intend that. My hope was to share this knowing there is someone else out there who is struggling and I wanted you to know you are not alone. In this world of social media we only see the good, and from my instagram it looks like I have no pain. I simply wanted to say, don't let your mind go to that dark place. You are not alone, God has you in the palm of his hand and He will see you through whatever you are going through.
"God when you choose to leave mountains unmovable, give me the strength to be able to say it is well with my soul"